RS. McCain latest chapter in his unpublished web book All Girls named Tonya (and other lessons of a misspent youth) does several interesting things:
As the title suggests it will discourage millions of young boys from trying to own a tropical island:
In the first paragraph, this story has already destroyed the fantasies of millions of 14-year-old geeks around the world. “You mean, even if I become so rich that I’ve got my own private tropical island, I don’t get to have sex with any 22-year-old woman I desire?” Disturbing.
Later on he he tells a basic truth that all husbands know today’s second reading not withstanding:
The business about demanding that the chick “get naked”? That’s never worked for me. I’ve been married for 20 years, and if I demanded that my wife “get naked,” she’d laugh in my face.
No wonder the short form of today’s reading (Ephesins 5:21-33) left out verses 22-24. (I will post on that later today)
The third section is however the most important and should be read by every teenage boy alive today:
For the benefit of any young people (or 52-year-old show-business superstars) forced to sort out the new rules for themselves in this disturbing environment, allow me to offer a few suggestions by way of etiquette:
* In general, be careful about situations where you are alone with a person of the opposite sex….
…* Guys, a selfish attitude about sex is self-defeating…
* OK, the girl’s accepted your invitation. You might be in luck. But you’ve got to play it cool. She shows up, and you greet her with courtesy and hospitality. (“Would you like a delicious cold beverage? I’ve got some wine coolers here in the fridge . . .”)
* Don’t move too fast. Unless she’s totally making the moves on you, chill out and read her signals. If she just wants to talk, just talk. No pressure, see? This girl’s got friends, and you don’t want her telling her friends that you’re such a desperate loser that you started making the moves on her and she turned you down. The key to developing a reputation as irresistible is to avoid provoking resistance.
* If you’re going to make a move, make a move. Forget that slowly-work-your-way-up-to-it approach. Assuming you’re reading the signals correctly, a green light means “go.” Chicks dig the bold proposition. Take her in your arms and tell her you’ve been burning with desire for her ever since the first time you saw her. Gently kiss her neck and whisper your passionate intention to ravish every inch of her glorious naked body.
* Be willing to take no for an answer and to apologize for any unintended offense. Hey, even an ace pilot sometimes accidentally locks onto the wrong target, OK? This girl came over to your dorm room to study for the art history exam and when she started talking suggestively about Michelangelo’s David, you took it the wrong way. It happens.
Chicks sometimes aren’t so clear about the signals they send. My senior year in college, on the afternoon of a big concert on the quad, a girlfriend of my girlfriend came over to my dorm room. Lucy kissed me, got completely naked and still ended up saying, “no,” an answer I was obliged to accept.
I never forgave Lucy for that — which is why I feel no compunction about naming her — but I had to accept itemphasis mine.
It reminds me of two scenes From 1940’s The Philadelphia story:
And the resolution that comes at 7:00 of this clip although the whole thing is worth your time.
The laws might be different but if you live by the classic rules of Jimmy Stewart in 1940’s by the pool and R.S. McCain from the 1970’s in Room 215 Patterson Hall then everyone will be better off, especially you.
Update: Welcome Other McCain readers. Take a peek around. See how the Madonna might save me 2k a year. Discover how in vogue is a relative term. Learn why the NAACP doesn’t think Nigger is such a bad word. Learn how to avoid Sullivan’s Syndrome. And check out my Amazon reviews on all kinds of things.
Update 2: Ancient Roman villas and hundreds of slaves work too.
Update 3: If the article doesn’t discourage conservative geeks from shooting for a private tropical island, photo confirmation that Mary Katherine Ham has a significant other is sure to do it.